Obviously, there’s a long tradition of giving great actors their Oscars for the wrong movies (see Pacino, Al, and many others), and Winslet’s award will be a reward not only for The Reader but for Little Children and Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind and even Titanic, among many other fine performances. And when Hathaway wins her Oscar in 2017 or so, Rachel Getting Married will doubtless be one of the movies on the Academy’s mind when they reward her for playing Marie Curie, or a paraplegic lesbian math genius, or the wife of a concentration camp commandant who falls in love with a Jewish prisoner, or whatever.

*I’ll watch anyway, as I always do.  I have high hopes for Hugh Jackman as host.

As others have said, what’s amazing about Valkyrie is how thrilling it is even though you know how it ends.  Fortunately for Singer & company, most in the audience (the American audience, anyway) don’t know much about his particular episode in history.  Singer, I think, was largely counting on the audience’s ignorance, especially with regard to how close the attempted coup was to being a successful coup.  You’ll know better, but as the conspirators piece-by-piece take over Nazi Germany, you think they just might get away with it.  If only.

At the end of the day, though, Vilsack is arguably less the problem than his agency. In 1862, when the Department of Agriculture was founded, agriculture composed 82 percent of American exports. America had three times as many farms as it does now — and those farms were far more labor intensive, in a country that had one-third the population. Agriculture, in other words, was the main export and one of the nation’s largest employment sectors. You needed a Department of Agriculture. Today, agricultural exports make up 8 percent of the total. Agricultural industry employs a tiny fraction of Americans and is dominated by a few large producers. It is an interest group that has attained cabinet status. That it would be headed by a governor from a state whose reliance on agricultural exports makes it a throwback to the days when the agency had a more obvious claim to existence makes sense. What doesn’t make sense is why you’d have a Department of Agriculture rather than, say, a Department of Food.

He poses a question: Did the Hollywood films of 2008 predict the economic collapse of 2008? Instead of just answering “No” and moving on to something — anything — else, LaSalle wrote this:

It would be too neat to say that 2008′s movies explicitly anticipated the financial crisis, but a recurring theme of civic catastrophe haunted the year, repeatedly telling us that something wasn’t right, that things had spun out of control and that our institutions were on the brink of systemic failure.

How on earth is this theme unique to the films of 2008? Has LaSalle seen any other movie released, well, in any other year? His evidence:

This theme crossed genres and fueled movies of varying quality. “Eagle Eye” was a likable but silly action ride, in which an all-knowing computer creates havoc and comes within one second of wiping out the entire U.S. government. “Blindness” showed how helpless our society might be in the face of a sudden epidemic. “City of Ember,” a futuristic fantasy, depicted a postapocalyptic underground society, days away from collapse, run by greedy, shortsighted government officials. “WALL-E,” an animated postapocalyptic fantasy, depicted an Earth wiped out by pollution, in which survivors lived on a spaceship.

I can play this game too.  Live Free or Die Hard (2007) was a likeable but silly action ride, in which a human hacker creates havoc and comes within one second of wiping out the entire U.S. government. Children of Men (2006) showed how helpless our society might be in the face of a sudden epidemic.  V for Vendetta (2006), a futuristic fantasy, depicted a dystopian society run by greedy, shortsighted government officials.  Apocalypto (2006) depicted an entire civilization wiped out by pollution.

But LaSalle has more:

“Iron Man,” comparatively upbeat in this crowd, showed New York getting demolished by men in space suits.

I’m not entirely sure who the “men in space suits” are supposed to represent in LaSalle’s ridiculous fantasy-metaphor, but I am pretty sure I’ve seen New York City (and many other cities) getting destroyed in many, many other films preceding 2008, and those films did not magically predict economic collapse.  Sorry, people just like to see shit get blown up.  But in case LaSalle is entirely unaware of these other films, here are a few lists he may find useful.

The more pessimistic “Dark Knight” presented a city at the mercy of capricious nihilism – and, of equal importance, showed the corruptibility and fragility of the supposed good guys.

And?  And?  What does this have to do with your thesis, sir?

And this weekend, “The Day the Earth Stood Still,” about aliens who threaten to destroy the Earth if people don’t learn to live in peace, opened.

Actually the remake, from what I can gather from the trailer and reviews, has nothing to do with a plea for peace.  But even if it were, we’ve been in Iraq for five years now.  Does LaSalle think Hollywood has ignored the subject until now?  Of course, the remake is actually about global warming. I can only assume that LaSalle missed The Day After Tomorrow and An Inconvient Truth.

If only LaSalle could have ended here.  But no:

A second theme of 2008 recalled a recurring motif of early ’30s (that is, early Great Depression) cinema. This is the idea that differentiating right from wrong isn’t always easy, that morality is complicated, that life has lots of gray areas. The pervasiveness of this theme is in contrast with a few years ago, when right was right and wrong was wrong, and there wasn’t anything to think about. Like the civic-disaster theme, the notion of moral complexity cut across genres this year and was present in movies good and bad – from the poisonous nonsense of “Wanted,” about contract killers who kill only “bad” people, and then start wondering who’s really bad; to popular entertainment such as “Twilight,” about a nice vampire.

Life has gray areas?  Praise the Lord for this great revelation by the Hollywood films of 2008!  (And if he really means that Hollywood films offerred no moral complexity a few years ago, I strongly suggest LaSalle take a look at the five Oscar nominees for Best Picture in 2005.)

Ridley Scott made “Body of Lies,” an espionage story in which there were bad guys and tainted guys, but no good guys. “Frost/Nixon,” newly released, is an incisive but sympathetic look at two flawed men. And “Doubt,” also newly released, sums up this year’s theme in its title: It’s the story of a crime that maybe never happened.

As in those first years of the 1930s, the current cinema’s sudden interest in moral complexity suggests a culture that has been shocked into shedding its radiant self-delusions – one that’s ready to start doing some serious soul-searching. So, of course, no one wanted to see “Rambo,” even a Rambo who was a little more depressed. That’s a character from a different era, not just in terms of time but of mind-set.

Nevermind that Rambo actually outgrossed Body of Lies, both domestically and abroad.  Or that Syriana was released in 2005 to wider popular and critical acclaim than the similar Body of Lies.

It’s not unreasonable to think that our movies also forecast Obama as a done deal, long before they called Ohio and long before the debates. As in the ’30s, we had civic anxiety and moral complexity in our movies, and yet another early-’30s parallel – mainstream films whose overt political content suggested a change in the offing. “Stop-Loss” dealt with the unfair practice of making Iraq War veterans serve multiple tours of duty. And Oliver Stone’s “W.” was the most searing presentation of a sitting president that has ever been made. (It was no “PT 109.”) Equally telling was the box office implosion of “An American Carol,” a politically conservative comedy with a cast of famous actors. It has made $7 million so far. Would it have failed so spectacularly in 2004? I doubt it.

An American Carol “imploded” at the box office because it only grossed $7 million.  But no mention that Stop-Loss only grossed $10 million because it “dealt with” an important political issue?

As for the moviegoing climate of 2004, Fahrenheit 9/11 was a huge hit.  So what’s your point?  Maybe, as it looks, An American Carol is just a terrible, terrible movie.  But obviously the quality of the films discussed, not to mention the quality of the argument, isn’t important to the armchair political scientist who somehow managed to get this paragraph published in a major American newspaper:

In 1932, the combination of fear and inner questioning resulted in a political upheaval, the election of Franklin Roosevelt. I believe a case could be made (but I’d have to research it further) that this same combination preceded the Republican realignment of 1980, which brought in Ronald Reagan. (The point being, fear and inner questioning are not ideological but are the components of a change in mind-set.) In 2008, this combination resulted in a decisive win for Barack Obama.

I believe a case could be made (but I’d have to research it further) that Mike LaSalle has no idea what he’s talking about.

I’ve broken down over thirty potential picks into categories (the names of which are references to TV shows and episodes, for added cleverness).  I must warn you: if you haven’t seen the show I’m referring to at any given moment, you may be spoiled and/or confronted with references and quotations which will make no sense to you.

Also, feel free to post additional suggestions in the comments.  It is very, very likely that I have forgotten many, many characters, especially in older series which I have forgotten about.  (And on a related note, I realize that this list is fairly “contempo-heavy” as well, despite my plea for some classic TV characters.)

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The Crackpots and These Women

What most disappointed me about the original list is the noticeable lack of any characters created by Aaron Sorkin, the best writer in the history of the television medium.  Some of his best work on TV has been in developing smart, funny, ambitious women who can more than hold their ground in the male-dominated arenas of politics and television, including:

Natalie Hurley (Samantha Lloyd), Sports Night.  Pros: Insanely cute.  Her brother is a grad student in student literature, so I could beat him up.  Cons: She doesn’t know a thing about poker (she calls a full house and “big house”), and she has demonstrated nothing but contempt and disrespect for Oksana Baiul, the Ukrainian Jewel.

Dana Whitaker (Felicity Huffman), Sports Night.  Pros: She has quite possibly the best job in the world, and she’s very, very good at it.  Cons: She claims to have a “big honkin’ gun” under her desk (so much for fearing a girl’s brother).  Even though she loves sports and produces a nightly sports show, she doesn’t know you don’t talk about a no-hitter in the 7th inning.

Ainsley Hayes (Emily Procter), The West Wing. Pros: Everyone thinks she’s just a blonde Republican sex kitten.  And she is a blonde Republican sex kitten, but she is also an incredibly smart (Smith undergrad, Harvard Law School) blonde Republican sex kitten.  She opposes the Equal Rights Amendment and loves Gilbert & Sullivan.  Cons: She has a tendency to speak in iambic pentameter when nervous.

Amy Gardner (Mary-Louise Parker), The West Wing.  Pros: Strong-willed, politically influential woman who fights for women’s rights.  Cons: Very, very liberal — even by the show’s standards.  She’ll always prioritize her political agenda over her personal (and romantic) relationships.

Donna Moss (Janel Moloney), The West Wing.  Pros: Willing to confront her boss about their party’s tax-and-spend-happy policies.  A college dropout once incredibly ignorant about politics, she is always eager to ask questions and learn more and eventually becomes a capable political operative.  Cons: A bit gaffe-prone.  When she likes a guy, she’d sooner pressure him to date another woman rather than be honest with her feelings.

Mallory O’Brien (Allison Smith), The West Wing.  Pros: Gorgeous redhead.  Quick wit.  Takes just enough initiative with a guy to show she’s interested without coming on too strong.  Cons: Her father is the second most powerful man in the United States.  She’s against school vouchers.

Jordan McDeere (Amanda Peet), Studio 60 on the Sunset Strip.  Pros: Beautiful, ambitious.  Believes that art, entertainment, and business can co-exist.  Cons: She’s pregnant, and the father is her ex-boyfriend.

She Spies

In case you haven’t been able to figure this out yet, I love spies (the good ones, anyway).  And so it should be of no surprise that I have many snoops in the running:

Agent 99 (Barbara Feldon), Get Smart.  Pros: A far more competent agent than her partner, Maxwell Smart. Cons: Dangerous line of work.  Especially when you consider who she’s working with.

Emma Peel (Diana Rigg), The Avengers.  Pros: Sophisticated, stylish, smart.  Like 99, she’s good at what she does.  Cons: You mean if she weren’t Mrs. Emma Peel?

Sydney Bristow (Jennifer Garner), Alias.  Pros: Being a sexy, ass-kicking spy is a lot more dangerous than it was in 99′s or Peel’s day.  Cons: Being a sexy, ass-kicking spy is a lot more dangerous than it was in 99′s or Peel’s day.

Sarah Walker (Yvonne Strahovski), Chuck.  Pros: Stunning beauty.  She’s a spy, but she’s not a robot.  Unlike her NSA counterpart, she’s a human being with emotions and feelings.  We both hate olives.  Cons: Given her job, her emotions could put her in danger.  What’s her real name?  Sarah Walker?  Jenny Burton?  Katie O’Connell?  Rebecca Franco?

Dr. Jill Roberts (Jordana Brewster), Chuck.  Pros: A smile that makes me melt.  Brainiac scientist with a PhD and cute glasses.  Did I mention the smile?  Cons: Spoiler alert — she’s a Fulcrum agent!

Veronica Mars (Kristen Bell), Veronica Mars.  Pros: Maybe not technically a spy, but she’s a darn good private investigator.  We have a similar taste in movies and music.  She’s short.  Generally speaking, if I have a physical “type,” she’s it.  Cons: Her father knows how to shoot a gun.

The Girls Next Door

The all-American girls.  Also a Mexican “Colombian or something” actress.  I’ll start with the obvious:

Pam Beesly (Jenna Fischer), The Office.  Pros: Who doesn’t love Pam?  If I need to elaborate, you’re in the wrong place.  Cons: I’ve asked this before, and I’ll ask it again — Pam, do you really want to be a receptionist for the rest of your life?

Carol Vessey (Julie Bowen), Ed.  Pros: The kind of girl you spend four years trying to win over by, among other things, dressing up as knight, throwing waffles at her bedroom window, hiring a skywriter, and getting up on a horse named Crazy Jimmy.  And what’s more girl next door than a teacher?  Cons: Kissing her just once will inspire you to foolishly buy a bowling alley.

Samantha Stephens (Elizabeth Montgomery), Bewitched.  Pros: Oh, oh, oh, she’s magic.  Cons: Her mother, Andora.  Her father, Maurice.  Aunt Clara.  Uncle Arthur.  And they can appear out of thin air anytime they want.  (I realize Stephens is her married name, but let’s just pretend because I’m too lazy to see if I can find her maiden name).

Marta Estrella #1 (Leonor Varela), Arrested Development.  Pros: Quite possibly the most attractive woman on this list.  A (reasonably) successful actress.  Good morals and sense of family.  Likes In-N-Out Burger.  Cons: She’s naive enough to think G.O.B. loves her.  Even though I took four years of Spanish, I wouldn’t be able to understand what she’s saying on her television show.  Her mysterious, Darren Stephens-esque transformation into a completely different-looking human being.

Olive Snook (Kristin Chenowith), Pushing Daisies.  Pros: Wonderful sense of style, even if she seems to own the exact same outfit in several different colors.  Likes dogs.   Cons: Terrible at keeping secrets.  Likes pigs.

Charlotte Charles (Anna Friel), Pushing Daisies.  Pros: Equally wonderful (but different) sense of style.  Tops pies with delicious cheeses.  Loves to read.  Self-taught fluency in several languages.  Cons: She’s dead.  Sort of.  Curiosity can get her into trouble (and she’s already been murdered for it once).

Sondra Huxtable (Sabrina LeBeauf), The Cosby Show.  Pros: A Princeton grad.  Aside from her spontaneous and ill-conceived plan to open up a wilderness store, she’s always been very responsible.  Her mother is an excellent role model.  Cons: Heathclifford Huxtable might just be the most intimidating potential father-in-law in the history of television (I did not envy Elvin).

Natalie Teeger (Traylor Howard), Monk.  Pros: Potential heir to Davenport Toothpaste empire, though she (admirably) was willing to forego it to marry the man she loved (a Navy pilot later killed in Kosovo).  Knows how to play cards.  A good mother to Julie.  Saved her brother’s life.  Cons: Dating her would probably mean spending a lot of time with Adrian Monk.  And he has enough cons for the both of them.

Ellie Bartowski (Sarah Lancaster), Chuck.  Pros: Frequently urges her brother to make something with his life.  A doctor.  Cool apartment.  Cons: Throws away a perfectly good Thanksgiving turkey because she thinks it is too dry.  I don’t think I’m Awesome enough for her.

The Two Lorelais

Technically there are three Lorelai Gilmores, but only two are under consideration.  Depending on my age:

Lorelai Gilmore (Lauren Graham), Gilmore Girls.  Pros: Excellent mother to Rory.  Small business owner.  Loves pop culture — even more than I do.  Would rather thrive on her own merits than the wealth and influence of her parents.  Cons: At what point in the relationship is Christopher going to show up drunk to try to get back with her?  And can I get a word in every once in a while?

Rory Gilmore (Alexis Bledel), Gilmore Girls.  Pros: Super-intelligent (high school valedictorian, Yale).  Highly ambitious (wants to be the next Christiane Amanpour, dreams about Madeline Albright).  Similar taste in books (she loves The Fountainhead), movies, and music.  Cons: She stole a yacht!  A yacht!

Take Your Daughter to Work Day

Icons of feminism, and their heirs.

Mary Richards (Mary Tyler Moore), The Mary Tyler Moore Show.  Pros: Moved to the big city of Minneapolis after a long-term relationship ends.  Becomes a successful television news producer.  She demands equal pay from her boss — and gets it.  Turned the world on her with smile.  Cons: Her embarrassing display of emotions at the funeral of Chuckles the Clown, who had been killed by a rogue elephant in a tragic parade accident.

Ann Marie (Marlo Thomas), That Girl.  Pros: Before there was Mary Richards, there was Ann Marie.  A girl who followed her dreams.  Famously, the series did not end with her marriage to long-time boyfriend Don Hollinger, but rather with Ann taking Don to a women’s liberation meeting.  Cons: For such an idealized feminist type, Ann relied an awful lot on the finances of her boyfriend and father.

Christine Sullivan (Markie Post), Night Court.  Pros: One of the only women I can think of whose beauty can overcome that awful 1980′s big hair.  A public defender, one of the most noblest jobs I can imagine.  Cons: With those hours, when are we going to have time for a date?

Lisa Miller (Maura Tierney), NewsRadio.  Pros: While in school, she once broke into a library because “I had a big history test, and my only copy at home of the Federalist Papers was abridged.”  Dating her would mean getting to hang out with Bill McNeal (if I could go back to a time when Phil Hartman was alive, I would) and Jimmy James.  And for what it’s worth, she was the first woman I ever had a crush on.  Cons: Her ex-boyfriend Stuart is always hanging around.  She brags a little too much about her SAT scores.

Alexandra Cabot (Stephanie March), Law & Order: Special Victims Unit.  Pros: It is probably not clear at this point of the post that I particularly fancy blondes who wear glasses.  If that’s not enough, she’s, um, a prosecutor.  Cons: Since I refuse to consider the awful Conviction part of the L&O canon, Alex Cabot is in the Witness Protection Program.  Also, she may be a lesbian, though I don’t recall this ever being explicitly clear.

Liz Lemon (Tina Fey), 30 Rock.  Pros: Okay, she might not be blonde, but she’s got the cute glasses.  Smart, funny, successful.  And she can get me a meeting with Jack Donaghy.  Cons: Can be quite mean.  Neurotic.  Once (okay, more than once) dated Dennis Duffy, the Beeper King.

Dr. Elliot Reed (Sarah Chalke), Scrubs.  Pros: Cute.  A doctor.  Chooses to follow her own path rather than let continue to live off her father’s wealth.  Excellent collections of bras.  Cons: Even more neurotic than Liz.

Not Without My Daughter

After the last category, I couldn’t resist making this reference.  And so the only one-character category begins and ends with:

Sally Sitwell (Christine Taylor), Arrested Development.  Pros: Gorgeous.  Excellent style.  Flirtatious.  Unlike with some of the other characters in this post, I am not at all afraid of her father.  Cons: I don’t think I could handle the pressure from my father to “stick it” to her.

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Despite my original appreciation for the selection of Lost‘s Sun Kwon (Yunjin Kim), I have decided to eliminate all survivors of the Oceanic 815 crash and any and all past, present, and future inhabitants of the island, out of fear of the island.

[M]y friend Justin and I made a list of the top ten most date-able female TV characters of all time. By “date-able” we mean a combination of looks, personality, sense of humor, ambition, etc. This is not a list of the best looking girls on TV. It’s literally, who would you like to get to know better.

They compiled their top ten list by (1) mutually agreeing upon eight characters, (2) each adding a veto-proof character, (3) each ranking the ten in order of dateability, and (4) merging the two rankings into a master list.  The list:

1. Pam Beesly (played by Jenna Fischer), The Office
2. Liz Lemon (played by Tina Fey), 30 Rock
3. Joan Holloway (played by Christina Hendricks), Mad Men
4. Lindsay Weir (played by Linda Cardellini), Freaks and Geeks
5. Sun Kwon (played by Yunjin Kim), Lost
6. The Waitress (played by Mary Elizabeth Ellis), It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia
7. Elaine Benes (played by Julia Louis-Dreyfus), Seinfeld
8. Karen Filipelli (played by Rashida Jones), The Office
9. Charlotte York (played by Kristin Davis), Sex and the City
10. Dana Scully (played by Gillian Anderson), The X Files

Honorable mentions:

• Rita (played by Charlize Theron), Arrested Development
• Olive Snook (played by Kristin Chenowith), Pushing Daisies
• Rose Nylund (played by Betty White), The Golden Girls
• Mel (played by Kristen Schaal), The Flight of the Concords

Right off the bat, there’s a pretty big problem with this list.  For rankings of the most dateable TV characters of all time, this list is incredibly heavy on contemporary characters.  Of the top ten, only four are on shows currently off the air, and two of those had feature film spinoffs in 2008.  The honorable mentions don’t fare much better in the regard (though Rose is a bit of an inspired choice).

My friend’s veto-proof pick is Sunny‘s unnamed waitress.  And I think this is a terrible, terrible pick.  If we’re judging these fictional women on “a combination of looks, personality, sense of humor, ambition, etc,” how can she possibly make this list?  Sure, she’s cute.  And the actress is funny, but actress’ talent is irrelevant in this silly game.  The character is a recovering alcoholic whose main goal in life seems to be to convince Dennis to have sex with her (and if not Dennis, she will apparently settle for Danny DeVito’s Frank).  Thanks, but no thanks.

Again, if we are to judge a character by more their her looks, Theron’s Rita must be immediately disqualified, even from being an honorable mention.  In no way is an adult woman of her intelligence and social skills anywhere close to being datable.

Picking both Pam and Karen on The Office doesn’t sit right with me.  Especially since one of them has a personality, and the other doesn’t.  Expect to see Pam on my list, and though this will be blasphemy to the many guys I know who worship her, she won’t be Numero Uno.

The least obvious choice on the list, I think, is Lost‘s Sun.  And I think it’s a pretty good one, all things considered.

I’m behind the times with Mad Men and Flight of the Concords, so I’m afraid I can’t quite comment on them.

In my next post, I’ll discuss in detail the many fantastic female TV characters I am considering for my top ten.  Stay tuned.

Tim Keown’s wonderful ESPN the Mag feature from earlier explains the awe-inspiring legend of Greg Maddux:

How many times had he heard someone say it? How many times over the past 22 years had some catcher or coach or broadcaster said, “Greg Maddux? I bet you could catch him with your eyes closed”? Sounded plausible enough, maybe coaxed a chuckle or two from the pitcher, but mostly it was just something to say. Nobody realized it was just a matter of time before somebody decided to prove it.

…

Right. But when Brad Penny and Maddux were teammates on the Dodgers, during the last two months of 2006, they had a conversation one day that led Penny to reach a stunning conclusion: This guy knows my stuff better than I do. It was eerie, really, how easily Maddux dissected Penny’s repertoire and suggested ways to maximize it. Penny, figuring he’d take advantage of the situation, asked Maddux to call a game for him against the Cubs. And so, on the night of Sept. 13, Penny glanced into the dugout before every delivery and found Maddux, who signaled the next pitch by looking toward different parts of the ballpark. Penny threw seven scoreless innings with no walks and beat the Cubs 6-0. “Maddux probably won’t tell you that story,” Penny says. He’s right.

…

With the Cubs, the story goes, Maddux once sat in the dugout and watched José Hernández of the Dodgers set up in the batter’s box. After two pitches, Maddux turned to the guys around him and said, “We might have to call an ambulance for the first base coach.” On the next pitch, Hernández whipped a shot that hit first base coach John Shelby in the chest.

Their latest offensive in the war: replacing the 10 pm scripted drama hour with Jay Leno.